The abused young adult - Barriers to acceptance in society

Introduction -

Most organisations are required one way or another to have an 'Equal Opportunities' policy - an anti discrimination statement. We are used to considering discrimination on the basis of race, gender, disability and sometimes even social class - however it is my contention that very real areas of discrimination exist on entering adult life for those who have suffered deprivation and abuse as children. There are no 'Equal Opportunities' for an abused teenager .

Let us consider some of the barriers which prevent the abused young adult from becoming a full member of their community;  from being an effective parent; from forming their own well functioning family;  and from entering society.

Some of these  ‘barriers’  are created by society and by the very professsionals and researchers who would wish to clarify the nature and consequences of abuse, by creating a body of data and demographic norms they inadvertently serve to  limit perceived options for victims and families.

Other barriers are created by damage to  the developmental process - beginning from  the very first parent / child interaction (object relations) (Ref 1a,b,c;2,3) and continuing through early life experiences of rejection and betrayal of trust producing poor attachment and bonding (Ref 4a;4b).

Viewed in practical terms, the end result of disordered or ‘antisocial’ behaviour , in effect the young person who ‘does not fit in’ and who meets barriers to integration in our society, is a multifactorial condition.

'Fatalistic 'Script'

The first barrier is that trap in our perception of the abuse victim - the cycle of abused becoming abuser.  It is as if fate, in the form of a cruel sword of Damocles hangs over the victim ensuring that he or she will in time become a perpetrator.

Many professionals cling , often subconsciously if not overtly to this widely preached view. It is a double edged sword - not only does it condemn the victim and thus render useless any attempt to heal the past and lead a 'normal' life - it also absolves the 'professional' of any need to perform an effective intervention.  On the other hand, the perpetrator is also rendered devoid of blame and responsibility and we are led to collude with the classic misplaced 'blame' felt by the victim.

Just as it is hard for the victim to appreciate that responsibility for cowardly acts of child abuse lie with the adult perpetrator and for the adolescent to realise that recovery is possible - with a full spectra of possibilities. So we, the professionals must believe that an abused child can follow a number of differing life paths -  sometimes falling into the harmful 'scripts' of the angry abuser striking back at society or the frightened perpetual 'Victim' role; or the protective and often self effacing  'Carer' role. The alternative is to be empowered to lead a spontaneous life free of the need to role play.

Hugh chose to use his experiences to a positive end. . He describes his early childhood as setting the scene - “I was brought up in a children’s home and never knew who my parents were. I fantasized about who they might be .. rich, famous and that one day they would come for me .. but inside I  felt rejected and I suppose that made me feel pretty worthless. After all who would want you if even your parents didn’t want you around?  .. I think it was that feeling of worthlessness and rejection that set me up to be a victim ..”  Later he was sexually abused while in a foster home and suffered the pain and humiliation of a male rape. Now, as a social worker,  he is able to put his experiences in perspective and has not allowed them to be a ‘barrier’. “Now that I have grown up and gone through a lot of therapy and training.  I am so aware of the child’s dilemma, the powerlessness and the hopelessness and the shame  .....”

Value System - Own perceptions - 'Yardsticks'

The second barrier lies in the young person's own perception of the world - he has no 'yardstick' no reliable set of values with which to measure himself or his environment.

The abused youngster has been brought up in an environment of pain and 'negative' interactions - negative strokes - or of neglect and withholding of affection. His world to us might seem abnormal and abusive - to him it is 'normal' - it represents the only reality he has ever known - how can he know what is good or bad when he has never known 'good'?.

This 'barrier' affects -

-  the way he feels about himself - Self Worth

-  the way he judges others - who is safe? - who is good?

-  What is a good parent?  parenting

-  Who is a good partner? - relationships

Linda - had been abused by her father, she left home at 13 to 'look after' an older man who was violent and abusive. He fathered several children who were similarly abused although Linda tried hard to protect them. When he was jailed - she set up home with another abusive male and when he left her - she 'went looking' for a substitute who could parent her children.

Linda knew that a 'family' consists of man, woman and children - however she had no way of judging the 'male' influence in her life - she had no role model for the 'good male' or the 'good father' she just trusted in fate. She also had no model on which to base her own behaviour.

All the 'fathers' she had known had sought sexual intimacy with her rather than paternal caring. Hence another trap - that despite wanting not to be abused and sexually exploited, her only learned pattern of behaviour was in terms of a  sexual 'come on'. Thus the only way she knew of relating - was prone to lead her into further abuse - she was constantly and unwittingly placing herself in danger. And by doing so, she was of course also placing her children in danger - a fact that the social services were not slow to point out.  Hence, by being the compliant victim - Linda actually lost her children - she was thus further abused by the very system which should have been able to protect her.

This is a sorry aftermath of our child protection service which we see over and over and over again - that an abused child is dealt with on the basis of crisis intervention only - removal from immediate danger without on going care and treatment - without any real attempt to 'heal the wounds' - a child growing up often carrying the guilt of their own abuse - who is thus predestined to become further abused.

Thus the teenager has an abusive boyfriend - lacks the personal strengths and self worth to recognise or break from a violent environment. The young adult attempts to create her own 'family' - a substitute for the one she lost as a child - and the professionals come in again and perpetuate her loss by removing her children.

Lack of personal resources.

If a young person has gone through years of deprivation and abuse, they have never had their own needs met - they are like an empty vessel, deprived of love and affection.   They thus enter adult life , unable to 'give' what they have never received. This 'emptiness' affects their day to day relationships, friendships, work experiences and profoundly influences their sexual relationships and parenting.

Contact with others tends to be based on what the 'needy child' can get from the other - there is intense competition for attention - since there is not and never was enough mother to go round. Hence it can be easy to see the jealousy, the insensitivity to the needs of others and the 'inability to place others (including their own children's) needs above their own without sometimes appreciating the pain and shallowness of such relationships.

We use this neediness in our therapeutic approach within our residential unit. The damaged adolescent or young parent of whatever age needs to go through a stage of being allowed to be the needy child. So our first task is to accept the needs of the patient’s inner child, to allow them to be child like and parent them - often for the first time in their lives. Here ‘dependance’ is healthy and a required stage in the treatment process - however like all good parents, we need to set boundaries and be consistent in our caring during this childlike dependancy stage. As they then grow in trust and confidence we relinquish some control and responsibility so that our ‘children’ can grow up.(Ref 4a,b,5)

Insecurity / Unpredictability

There is nothing so abusive for a child than lack of security and unpredictability of your environment. The idea that nothing is predictable - that your parents have no clear set of rules, no way of gauging their behaviour and no boundaries - is emotional abuse in it's worst form. To be 'secure' in knowing you will be treated badly is better than not being able to predict whether you will be abused or not.

Anna was sexually abused by her grandfather. Her parents turned a blind eye, failed to protect her and did not respond to her ‘cries for help’. Anna’s behaviour became more and more disturbed as she indirectly attempted to draw attention to her plight. Eventually she went on a spree of vandalism in a nearby housing estate; she broke every pain of glass along one side of the road, launching bricks until she exhausted herself ..and then ran home and waited in her room for the police to come and arrest her. .. Nothing happened .. nothing was said. Anna continues in adult life to show sudden outbursts of furious destruction.

If the consequences of your behaviour are predictable, this leads to security; if the consequences of your actions are unpredictable the result is insecurity; but if there are no consequences to your actions, you feel worthless.     A young person entering adulthood with no set of values - no way of judging whether they are doing right or wrong is grossly handicapped. Moreover if no one cares whether you do right or wrong - no one cares enough to show you what is right or wrong - then no one cares about you.

Lack of trust

Abused children have had their most basic trusts - that they placed in their parents - betrayed.  They grow up unable to trust anyone and perpetuating that situation by placing what little trust they have in the hands of those who are likely to abuse that trust again - they set themselves up in order to psychologically reinforce their life position - "I knew nobody could be trusted!"

In reality they reach a position when they cannot even trust themselves -  so how can they themselves be trusted? Perhaps to be a good parent?

Poor Object relations

Many of the barriers outlined thus far have their origins in what could be seen as 'poor Object Relations' . An abused child has no consistent image of  'goodness' with which to hold a model of  'the good mother'. The earlier the abuse or deprivation or neglect - the worse this effect.  Hence the early analytical concept of the 'good breast' or 'good object' and the opposite concept of the 'bad breast' or 'bad object' , are perceived in the child's psyche as wholly separate.  There is no pervading feeling of 'goodness' which can bridge this divide and leave the child with the knowledge that mother still cares and loves him - that the good and bad can be aspects of the whole.

Margaret had a horrific catalogue of sexual and physical abuse in her early childhood - abuse which really amounted to torture. When she first came under my care she regarded me as the only person who understood, the one who could help her at last, in fact the missing ‘adored mother’. All went well for some months and then as she began to feel that she had not ‘recovered’ completely, that there were still problems in her life and that she (and I) were not perfect. I then became the monster who had let her down, betrayed her, failed to cure her and make her life right and good. She then saw me as all bad and attempted to destroy the unit and myself. Margaret had always said that she was afraid of her destructive capabilities and in fact she did try to destroy everything and everyone in her path if it could not be ‘perfect’.

An abused child thus may enter adulthood with a very polarised view of the world and use 'splitting' as a psychological defence. In practical terms this means that someone will be perceived as wonderful and 'perfect' when fulfilling their needs and as totally hateful and as the betrayer when not completely compliant. There is no balance and no shades of colour.

Just as such a personality sees others as perfect or completely flawed - so they tend to strive for personal perfection and be as intolerant of imperfection in themselves as they are of acceptance of imperfections in others.

Communications

Communication is affected by most of the barriers described above - Abused children and adolescents have been constantly reinforced with the message that family secrets should not be broken - they can't break the silence.

All the self doubts and self deprecation can resurface at adolescence and a great deal of work must be put into measures aimed at improving self worth, assertiveness and self assurance. It is too easy to push a troubled youngster back into being the frightened child.

Joyce had been rejected at an early age. Father walked out after many family rows, mother was mentally and could not cope with her children. At the age of five, Joyce was taken in by neighbours who had a girl of the same age. Both girls were used for child porn films and sexually abused by the father and his friends.   Joyce was placed in a children’s home for the remainder of her childhood. She bullied other children, started shoplifting and as a teenager was involved in crimes of violence to other girls.

She was an inarticulate girl who found it very difficult ot voice her needs and talk about her problems. Whenever someone treid to help her, everything would go well while Joyce got her own way. But come the time when Joyce was unhappy or wanted a priviledge that was refused her, she would break out into violence .. slashing her social workers tyres, cutting up clothes and photographs of her rival, vandalising the children’s home.   Joyce was angrily returning the violence wreaked on her as a child. The anger she felt towards her family was directed to those who treid to care for her. Her lack of verbal ability made her break out in physical attacks. Words were replaced by actions.

Frightened children are unable to verbalise their hurt - they act out, scream for attention and by their very use of indirect communication - such as self harming, delinquency and violence often distance themselves from the help they cry out for . It is our job to know how to listen.

Conclusion

These are but a few examples of the barriers obstructing the young deprived and abused - there are many more which could be cited.

Not least of which is that all pervasive feeling that you have always been a nobody, that you have always been treated as a nobody and that you will never be anybody. It requires society to assume a positive attitude of acceptance without discrimination before such barriers can be breached. We must believe in these young people - so that they can believe in themselves.

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References -

1a. Winnicott D.W. “The Theory of parent infant relationship” International Journal of PsychoAnalysis  41  1060

1b Winnicott DW “Playing and Reality” Basic Books New York 1971

1c Winnicott DW in Davis; Wallbridge “Boundary and Space” Karnac books 1981

2.  Birch DML “Inner Worlds and Outer Challenges” Youth Support Publications ISBN 870717 03 1 1992

3 Kernberg O. “Object Relations, Theory and clinical Psychoanalysis” Aronson 1976

4a. Bowlby J  “The Nature of the child’s tie to the Mother” International Journal of Psychoanalysis 39. 350

4b. Bowlby J. “A secure base”  Rotledge 1988

5. Birch DML  “Bonds and Boundaries”  Youth Support Publications ISBN 1 870717 05 8  1994